Narcissus

Narcissus

By A. Alex Cano

I think you have heard of the story of Narcissus, but I want to tell you what really happened.  Some might say that he was a god of beauty and vanity and while looking at himself in a pond, fell in, and drowned.  That is mostly true, but there is more to it. 

Narcissus was a boy, just like any other boy, or human for that matter.  He grew up in a dysfunctional family just like everyone.  He succeeded and failed at things.  He sometimes would get As in his classes and a few times he even got Cs and Ds.  Most times he excelled at everything and he knew it.  Of course he was beautiful and everyone thought so.  He was able to get the benefits of beauty, the “I’ll let you off this time (because you are so beautiful).”  He would boast and brag about all the times he was able to get off with the most hideous things.  One time, he was playing with his friends and they were wrestling.  Narcissus got his nose tweaked and got upset.  He started to beat his friend up.  It got so bad, the passersby intervened to break up the now fight.  The police came and the boys were separated and interviewed.  Both were fighting, both were bloody, both had bruised knuckles, but Narcissus was the only one who got off.  Before the fight was over, Narcissus was purposely hitting his friend’s head against the ground hoping to get some repercussions, but it didn’t happen that way.  The officer said, “Narcissus, you’re a nice boy.  Look at you, you’re a mess.  Why don’t you go home and get cleaned up.”  Narcissus tried as hard as he could to get some conflict, but all he got was accords.  Every time he would break the law, he was let off with a warning.  Every time he would “mess up” it was “thinking out of the box” or everyone loved the new change.  People kept saying how great he was and what a great life he had, but that is not how he felt.  It came to a point where everyone was calling him a living legend. 

He first focused his frustrations on others, but he was met with no resistance, so he then focused his attention onto himself.  He thought if he ran as fast as he could, his heart would give out and he would die.  So, he would run as fast as he could and didn’t stop.  His heart didn’t give out and he received awards for being the fastest runner.  He thought if he could swim as fast as he could he would get so tired he’d drown, but he didn’t drown.  He got awards for being the best swimmer.  He thought if he could ride his bike as fast as he could he’d be able to crash and die, but he didn’t.  He was awarded the best cyclist.  He thought if he did all three, he’d have the lethal combination and certainly die, but he didn’t die.  He won every triathlon he entered. 

It started to annoy him that no one would see what he was up to.  He would often say, “Awe, man!  After that, I want to die!”  Whoever was there would say, “No, you don’t want to die.  Don’t worry, it’ll get better.”  But it didn’t, not for Narcissus.  For Narcissus, it only got worse.

One day, Narcissus came to his mother and said, “Mom, I don’t feel right.  I can never do anything right.”  His mother recalling all his accomplishments said, “My beautiful boy, you are a very successful boy.  You have earned awards after awards.  You are the best runner, cyclist and swimmer.  You have been on the Honor Roll for a few years.  You are doing everything right.”  Frustrated once again, he said, “MOM!  Everyone thinks I do all things right, but it’s not how I want them.  I don’t want the awards.  I don’t want the recognition.  I can never do anything right.  Every day I look in the mirror, I don’t see the man I wanted to be and every day I look at myself, get further away from what I wanted from myself.  I don’t like what I have become.  Mom, I want to die!”  She stopped what she was doing, looked up at him and said, “Narcissus, you don’t mean that.  I don’t like the way you’re talking.  I don’t want you to tell me that ever again.”  He hung his head and walked away.  He would try again, but not for a while.

Narcissus met up with his friends.  His friend, whom he beat up, was still wearing a bandage on his head.  Once again, ashamed of what he had done to his friend.  Narcissus hung his head in shame.  Narcissus’ friend approached him saying, “Hey Narcissus, I want to say I’m sorry started the fight with you and hitting you.  I’m sorry I made your nose bleed.”  Narcissus raised his eyes to see his handy work of the guy’s broken nose, two black eyes, a broken brow and the cracked skull and walked away.

Narcissus was looking on the smartest kid in the class’s paper during a test.  The teacher caught him and told Narcissus and the smart kid to stay after class, but didn’t mention why.  They approached the teacher’s desk, when the bell rung at the end of class.  The two stood with their heads bowed.  The teacher started with, “You boys know why you’re here right?”  Narcissus didn’t say anything, but the smart kid said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about!  What did I do?”  I saw you boys cheating.  The smart kid’s mouth dropped and he screamed, “I wasn’t cheating!”  The teacher said, “Yes you were.  Narcissus was looking over your shoulder at your paper.  You didn’t have your paper covered.”  Shocked, the smart kid yelled, “It is not my fault he was looking over my shoulder!”  The teacher raised his hand to halt the appeal and said, “You have a week in detention.  If you miss any days EVEN if you’re sick I will suspend you from school for three days.  If you are late, I will suspend you from school for three days for cheating.  Now, get out of my sight!”  They both turned to walk away, but the teacher continued, “Narcissus, not you!  Come back here.  I’m not done with you.”  The smart kid angrily smiled that he wasn’t getting the same punishment Narcissus was getting.  The smart kid left the room and the teacher waited for the door to close completely before he started.  “That punishment was not for you.  That punishment was for those who don’t cover up their papers.  Your punishment is to tell me what’s going on.”  Narcissus was taken by surprise.  He really didn’t know what to say.  The teacher continued, “What is going on with you that you have to cheat?”  Narcissus looked down at his feet and thought.  He thought he knows the material.  He thought he didn’t need the answers, but he did it anyway.  He thought about how he was always getting off and his friend’s cracked skull, but didn’t think that’s what the teacher was talking about.  He couldn’t help it, so he said, “I can never do anything right.  I try my hardest, but it never comes out the way I want.  I cracked my friend’s skull in a fight; I cheat off his paper and nothing!”  Tears started rolling off Narcissus’ check, because he was so frustrated.  Narcissus continued, “It gets so bad, I want to kill myself.”  The teacher leaps out of his seat and says, “Narcissus, you don’t mean that!”  Narcissus steps back and the tears dissipate.  He noticed the tears hit the ground to make mud in the shape of a flower.  The teacher said, “You think things are bad now, but they’ll get better.”  Narcissus replied, “I have been waiting my whole life for that to happen, but it has never ever happened!”  The teacher said, “Wow, I never knew that about you.  I thought you were always happy.  You have won awards, contests and everyone loves you.”  Narcissus’ breathing hiccups and he said, “I know, but that doesn’t mean anything to me.”  The teacher asked, “With all this going on, are you thinking about suicide?”  Narcissus stopped crying and looked up.  “Yes.”  The teacher’s eyes shifted with uncertainty and asked, “Oh man, have you told anybody other than me?”  Narcissus said, “I tried to tell my mom, but she won’t hear of it.”  The teacher asked, “Would you be willing to talk to our counselor?”  Narcissus said, “Yes.”  The teacher said, “Ok, let’s go right now.”  The teacher walked around the desk and gave Narcissus a hug then walked to the counselor’s office.

When they arrived, the teacher told the counselor what Narcissus had told him.  When the teacher was done, he turned to Narcissus and said, “Don’t worry, we’re getting you the help you need.”  Narcissus looked at the teacher, tried to muster up a smile and nodded.  The counselor took Narcissus into his office and sat him down.  The counselor walked around the desk to return to his seat.  He exhaled and said, “So, you’re feeling bad and you are having thoughts of suicide.  You said you can never do anything right even though you have won awards and you said you know everyone loves you.  So, tell me Narcissus what is a handsome young man like you thinking about such horrific things?”  Narcissus didn’t feel the same closeness with the counselor as he did with his teacher, but tried, “That’s the way I feel.”  The counselor gets a clipboard out of the bottom drawer of his desk and starts to fill it out.  The counselor asked for all his information: Name, Address, Age, Weight, Height, Allergies, then says, “Everything looks normal.”  He marked more check marks on the clipboard, every once in a while, peered over the clipboard at Narcissus then returned to check marking.  Narcissus could hear, “Uh-huh!  Mm-Hmm!”  Check! Check!  Finally, the counselor asked, “Do you know how you’re going to kill yourself?”  Narcissus said, “No, but I can’t go on living like this!”  The counselor paused, stroked his face and said, “Look Narcissus,” got up out of his seat and planted himself on the edge of the desk, towering over Narcissus, and “If you are feeling suicidal, you can call on me, your teacher, your family, your friends, your doctor, and also, the Lifeline 800.273.8255.  It is confidential, anonymous and free.  We can help you as much as we can, but when it comes down to it, you are the only one who can save you.”  With that, the counselor rose, gave Narcissus some reading material, pamphlets and doctor’s cards then said, “Here is some stuff that can help.  You have to talk to your parents to get them to take you to the doctor.  Ok?”  Narcissus, feeling better said, “Ok.”

Narcissus rushed home with materials in his hands and spread them out on the dinner table for his parents to see.  When they arrived, he sat them down and told them what had happened that day.  His parents were shocked and frightened.  They called the Lifeline to get information on what to do.  They set up safety plan for when he was feeling suicidal; he could call his mom, call his dad, call his teacher, call his counselor and call his doctor.  He didn’t have a plan, so there was no means to remove and he didn’t have access to a gun. 

Life continued for a long time, with the safety plan in full effect.  Narcissus was still loved by everyone, got off all the time, still made the grade, still won triathlons and still felt as he did.  Every day would drag in and every day would fizzle out. 

One day, he was preparing to go for one of his swims and as he was rinsing his equipment, and caught a glimpse of himself in the water.  Again, he couldn’t recognize the man in the reflection.  He looked into his reflection’s eyes.  He could see the pain in the reflection’s eyes.  He got closer to try to find any signs that this reflection was Narcissus, but he couldn’t.  Right when he was looking at himself, his parents passed by looking at Narcissus and said to each other, “Look honey, our boy is looking at his beautiful face.”  They walked away not saying anything to him.  Then the teacher and counselor passed by looking at Narcissus saying to each other, “Hey!  Look at Narcissus; he’s looking at his handsome face.”  His doctor passed by put his hand on Narcissus’ forehead to take his temperature, said, “Normal,” and then walked away.  His friends came near him caught him looking at himself snickered, “Look, he’s looking at himself again,” then ran off.  All the time Narcissus is trying to find himself in this image reflected in the pool in front of him. 

Narcissus gazed into his reflection’s eye.  He thought to himself, is this the guy who beat up his friend?  He thought to himself gazing into his reflection’s eyes, is this the guy who cheated on the test and won those awards and won all those contests?  Is this the guy he used to know?  No, it’s not.  The Narcissus he knew used to be beautiful, used to be handsome, but the creature, the monster, in the reflection was not Narcissus.

Narcissus remembered the safety plan; he remembered the counselor saying, “When it comes down to it, you are the only one who can save you.”  He thought the person in the pool wasn’t him anymore.  The person staring back at him from the pool wasn’t him.  He got closer and tried to get a better look to try to find some reminisce of what he used to be.

The doctor returned looked around noticed Narcissus wasn’t there and continued.  The teacher and counselor returned looked around didn’t say a thing and continued.  The parents returned looked around and continued.  His friends came looking for him couldn’t find him and continued. 

Everyone thought he was a living legend, but they didn’t know him; they didn’t know him.  They only saw a beautiful handsome boy.  They didn’t see the ugliness he saw.  He stayed in the pool for several days before they found him.  He was not the beautiful handsome boy anymore, but that will not stop anyone from remembering him as a beautiful vain god.

April 3, 2012